The next morning, with few hours (or was it minutes?) of sleep, I got Catherine ready for preschool knowing full well that I had to tell the day care that I dropped my youngest daughter on her head. Catherine took her time and frankly, I was not going to rush her. When we got to daycare, they asked where Christina was. With tears in my eyes, I explained what happened and that she was at Chidren`s Hospital. They were all concern and asked me if I was OK. I didn`t answer just shaking my head. I left Catherine, leaving embarassed and ready to cry. I called work to let them know I would not be there. After I explained what happened, they told me to take care of myslef.
I drove to Boston. I got there fairly fast, missing rush hour. I got there and was received with a giant smile by Christina. That meant the world to me. After a few minutes, I realized she was fine. I had brought a change of clothes for her and some stuff for my wife. After being told she would be discharged, we were visited by a `technician`about how to properly fasten a seatbelt on a babyseat. That was pretty embarassing but I also felt anger for the first time.
We were discharged a few hours later (2-3 hours after being told we would be discharged). While waiting, we spoke to our roomies who had a 4 week old with spina bifida. This made me realize how lucky we were to have healthy girls. I also though about our friends`child who had a heart procedure there a year or so to the day we were there...again realizing our luck that we lived near one of the best Children`s Hospital in the world.
Christina has been great since then. There seems to be no long-term effects of what happened on her. I jokingly tell people she is doing better than I am...if only it was a joke. I have been still struggling with some flashbacks. I still think I am the worse father in the world. Believe me, I got many encouraging statements from others, but nothing is resonating to be perfectly honest.
Some have said to me that they also dropped their kids on their 'blank'...frankly that is not helpful...made me feel like they did not ackowledge what I was going through. It seems like it minimized it and made me feel worse for feeling so bad. I know it was meant as helpful but it wasn`t. If you are a friend and recognize yourself, I hope yu are not offended by this statement. I just want to be honest. Empathy may have been better received. A specific person told me "Don`t you work on a crisis team? Shouldn`t you be able to handle this?". That was one of the most frustrating statement I heard. I wanted to do something to them. And no, it was not said in a joke. I also feel not very manly not being able to get "over it".
I also have a memory that has been hard to erase. There was a man sitting on a bench talking on a cell phone at the restaurant when Christina fell on her head. This guy saw everything happen and never stopped his conversation or offered to help. Sometimes I get angry, sometimes I get sad, but mostly I want to find this man and ask him why he did not offer any assistance. I guess people don`t know how to react but come on...I couldn`t let this situation go on in front of my eyes without doing something. I just wish I could talk to this guy.
One other statement that I have heard is the following: "Because you are upset, that shows how much you are a great dad". I feel really sad when I hear that. All I can tell myself when I hear this is "If I was really a good dad, I would have never, ever forgotten to strap my child in". I am hard on myself maybe.
I have spoken to an EAP therapist twice. I am getting ready to go into more counseling and/or EMDR very soon. Maybe that will help. I have been eating more and still sleeping restlessly. There are some flashback moments still. I am unhappy with many things in my life right now but unsure why. I feel like I am going crazy sometimes. And the one thing I don`t want is pity. I have had enough of that, but if you ask me what I need and what I have learned, I struggle to find that answer...
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