So it's been quite a few days. Honestly, yesterday, I went to bed early because I was: a)exhausted from the day and b)I felt really negative. It has been a tough two days. I think it started with the whole Christina going to daycare thing and yesterday, Christina was very unpredictable for feedings, sleep, etc. I guess writing this, I feel kind of stupid, since this is not that big of a deal in the grand scheme if things but when you are trying to plan a day, it is a really big deal. I almost ran out of milk for the first time yesterday! And for those who know about frozen breast milk, yo'll nod in agreement as how that can be stressful. Thank God, Cindy came home early.
The other thing that was getting to me is that, with these struggles, I felt angry and I was upset that I was angry! Wow, I need a shrink (or drink, whatever!). Seriously, I wanted my last day of just me and her to be special and it did not turn out to be that way...which really is about my expectations. Anyway, Catherine was OK but needed lots of redirection, which also gets frustrating you know? So just a tough day and I figured a early bedtime was in order.
This AM, Catherine acted really tired and contradictory...which was tough. Christina struggled I think with all the negative energy and slept and woke up fussy a few times. I was also waiting for a plumber who was going to be there "within the hour" at 8AM and he came at....I should take bets on this...what is your guess....10:20AM...to tell me he needs to send someone else! So I went for a ride with my girls because I knew that was a way to calm my nerves and get them to sleep. And yes, it is calming to drive the streets of Massachusetts...Please call a psychiatrist now! But driving with my girls insures me of no crying, due to sleeping, and also a change of scenery. I also can get some of my tunes playing on the radio, not Dora, Barney, or Passe-Partout!
We came home, did the feedings, eating, changing, and really had a good time until I had to leave for some volunteer work at my agency. Honestly, I was happy to go somewhere to have some adult interactions! I was trying to think and the last time I had adult only interactions (no, not that type you perverse people) for 4 hours was my last day of work on October 8th...so I really needed it. And to those who will say that this is bad...let me just say this...you either don't understand what I mean or you are lying to yourselves. I love my girls more than anything in this world but you need some time away to truly appreciate them. It is also for plain sanity that you need to tell other adults what you are going through. I am so happy that someone I truly respect told me that: "You never hear people say: I should have worked more" but they usually regret not spending time with their family". And for my girls who may read this in the future: being away for a few hours is all about love, not anything else.
I was asked if I was looking forward to going to work: I answered "Yes" and related the story about a friend spending time at home full-time with her boys and how I admire her choice of family first, not work. I know I could not do it for a long period of time. It takes a special person to stay at home. Will I miss my girls? "Absolutely!!!" I even cried thinking about next week (call me whatever, I really don't care) but staying at home with children is a much tougher job than any criminal justice work I have EVER had. Cheers to all who stay home with their kids or are single parents.
Well, I suppose I should comment, since I think I'm the friend you speak of, that spends her days home with two boys. :)
ReplyDeleteTruthfully though, I am moved to comment, too. I have so many things to respond about being a full-time stay-at-home parent.
I'm sensitive to when people call me a "full-time mom", because I think: who is a parent who *isn't* a full-time parent?! It can make working parents feel less-than, which they shouldn't.
Being a SAHM (stay-at-home-mom) is the life I (we, Matt and I) chose, for now, for many reasons. First, we decided to have our kids close together. They are almost 19 months apart (and that's IT for me as far as kids go -- two and through! LOL) But also, it didn't make sense financially or logistically. My job would have just about covered child care for one infant, never mind and infant and a toddler (and now two toddlers!) Also, when I was working, until June 2009, my commute Norton to Boston was absurdly long and unpredictable... I couldn't imagine trying to get to a daycare near our home on time every day... the stress would be ridiculous. My job as it was would not have been conducive to getting to a daycare or home at a reasonable time, nor would Matt's. And he makes a lot more than me so my job was the one that had to go if we made that choice.
That doesn't mean it isn't a struggle financially... because it is. We have had to go without quite a bit for me to be able to be home full-time. There are trips we'd love to have taken, as a couple, as a family, etc, eating dinner out more, other things that have gone by the wayside... never mind saving for college tuition!!
I LOVE being home with my boys. Despite the fact that, at times, I have wanted to tear my hair out, throw them in their cribs, turn off the baby monitors and just have a glass (or 4) of pinot grigio, I stay the course. :) It does get a teense bit easier as they get older. (Now that I am sleeping overnight, it makes a WORLD of difference... when my little one was up literally 10 times per night until he was almost 9 months old... I wanted to throw in the towel almost daily.)
I do think, though, that not every parent/person is cut out to be a SAH parent... and I don't think that's so wrong. I have met moms who didn't take 12 weeks for maternity leave and I was incredulous... how could they not want to spend as much time as POSSIBLE with their little ones?!?!?!?!?! But the longer I am a parent, the more I realize that our choices are our own, and they are made for reasons only we understand. Some are forced choices (and so not really choices at all!) but many are well thought through and completely our own. I judge other parents less and less as time goes on, and get annoyed by parents who judge other parents more and more. When I do go back to work as a social worker, I think I will sympathize with families of difficult children a LOT more. I won't make excuses for them, but I think I'll "get it" just a little more. And many of the families I worked with had single parents (usually moms) trying to scrape by on their own. I literally don't know *how* they do it. Having a partner has been essential... instrumental... it feels like it would have been impossible to survive without him. Kudos to them indeed.
Expect it to continue to go up and down, Steve. And don't feel guilty about your feelings... many of us have wanted to give up and "send them back." :) But the good days make it worth it. Your girls will probably never know what you sacrificed for them (and for that matter, neither will my boys) but that's not the point, is it? We know what we're doing is best for them, and that's what *really* matters.
PS -- Good luck going back to work!!! :)